ME

this is how i feel. like the rock above. i feel as though i am just sitting here not going anywhere, but as i sit there all these beautiful things are growing around me. i kept tom up late last night running my mouth about how i have been feeling lately and how i feel the need to re-invent myself. i have been a wife for almost 10 years and a mother for 7. i feel as though i have "lost" myself. who i am, what i believe, what i want to do. my wants and dreams and desires. i know we all have places we want to see or things we want to do. i have a list in my mind that is a zillion miles long of places i am waiting to travel to. i LOVE being a wife and a mother and i wouldn't trade either of them for anything in the world, but i need just a little bit more. there are three things specifically that i have an unstifling urge to do. first and foremost, i want to get fit. yes, i am overweight and flabby. (thank you my lovely children) but it is more than getting into a size 6 or looking good in a bathing suit. i want to be fit and lean and healthy. i want to RUN in a marathon. Seriously, i was as shocked by the urge to do this as much as you who know me probably are. i have always said, i don't run unless someone is chasing me. now, i love a good fast paced walk, but a runner i am not. so, now i need to figure out how to get lean and fit and healthy and how to train for a marathon, all with three young children to take care of. i am taking suggestions.
the next change i am wanting to make, is an educational change. i want to go back to school. Chloe and i had a conversation the other day about college and how living arrangements work and i was telling her a little about my college days, being careful not to divulge incriminating information about those years or to give her ideas for when she does get there. she said, "but you don't DO anything mommy" Huh, wha..., i don't!!!! I said to her I am a mommy to you and Janey and Nolan. to which she says, "but you don't have a job." so now, i am more determined to go back to school to show my girls that they can have a college degree, a career and be a mommy. it is so okay to be a feminist while staying at home to raise children. i want them to know that they can have it all if they want, and what better way to tell them that, then to lead by example.
lastly, the other component i am wanting to incorporate in my life is to find a cause that i am passionate about and that i believe in, and volunteer my time for that organization. i do volunteer at Chloe's school and at our church, but i want to help in a bigger way. we have talked about taking chloe to a shelter and have us all help in some way or another. but again, i want to lead by example. i really want to help people that need it. i feel like i still have a lot to give.

maybe all this is coming to head as i slowly realize that am a 31. time isn't slowing down or standing still, instead it is travelling at speeds that i have never experienced before. i know i am young, but i don't want 41 to come and go and say "oh, i still have time, i am ONLY 41!" then 51, 61, so on and so on. that can't happen.
if you are still reading this, i apologize for the kind of post this is. but maybe if i put these desires and goals out there i will be sure to follow through with them. after all, i am already 31 and time is just a ticking away...........